But I found this funny as shit!

But I wanted to do this anyway :)

This is a special entry posted just for YOU.

This is afterall what you want ATTENTION right?

Well here it is and this will be the last of it.


My LJ is friends only for a reason now

YOU are not my friend.
YOU were not a friend of my sister.
YOU are not welcome here.

Do not email me one minute pretending to be sorry about Lisas death,and pumping me for information about your OLD LJ FRIENDS,then the next email me from an OLD email screenname that can be traced back to you saying things about my sister.

My sister was a beautiful human being and a wonderful sister and friend, a beloved daughter and aunt,a loving girlfriend and everyone LOVED her. She touched so many lives in so many ways and made a diffrence in this world. Her death has had a HUGE impact on all that knew her.

Can you say the same things about yourself?

Are you loved by everyone?
Do you have a life?
What have you done in your life to make a diffrence?

My sister was none of the things you say,you're not even close! She was good and honest and loving.

Go back to your sad pathetic life and stop harrassing people. I see why you have no real friends and why you have so much time to spend on the computer playing head games and creating havoc for attention.

Happy that you have hurt me? Happy that you rated high enough to get a post out of me? I hope so because this will be all you get. I have reported you to LJ and copied and forwarded your email as well.

You are a jealous and a bitter soul and I have pity for and on you. My sister would too, she'd say " don't be mad at her, have pity for her, she's sad and lonely and has no one to love her."

Shes right.

Well I took Em to the doctor today and to find out she has bronchitus,The doctor wants her to use an nebulizer once in the morning and again at bedtime. Oh fun.

While we were there I made the mistake of coughing, The docotr had me hop up on the table and she listened to my lungs.....

Yep, I have bronchitus too. She gave me a script for antibiotics as well as a cough med for myself.

Its been years since i've been seen and treated by a pediatrician! LOL, I have to follow up with my own doctor in 1 week.

In other news, my mom has started talking about Thanksgiving, yadayadayada. I dont feel like being thankful at the moment although I know that's so wrong because I do have plenty to be thankful for but I just am not into the whole family gathering thing where there will be 2 empty chairs this year :(

I made known to my mother and she about threw a hissy fit all over my ass....

"your grandmother would turn over in her grave and Lisa always loved the family gatherings over the holidays, that would be like a slap in the face to her!"

"ok mother you have made me feel guilty enough to last me my lifetime, lets do thanksgiving then!"

Lisa loved thanksgiving though, she made a pest of herself as a small child always being underfoot in the kitchen, we were always hearing "LISA its not cooked yet, or LISA get your fingers outta there!" Hmmm I actually remember hearing all of this right up to last year! LOL. She had this thing for being the first on line when my dad carved the turkey cuz she had to have the crispy skin on the top. None of it ever made it to the serving platter cuz she had to eat the whole thing...every stinkin year! LOL!

I always remember no sooner then my mom and grandmother had all the dishes done and food put away did we, all 3 of us girls, sneak into the kitchen to make a snack with the left overs, our favorite was taking the left over biscuits and putting turkey,stuffing and gravy on them and heating them up! This annoyed my mother because we usually ate enough to constitute the enxt days meal,but my dad soon joined us in this tradition so what could she do? LOL.

The memories make me laugh, then of course I feel like crying right now. My Emily is alot like Lisa, I'd be really proud if she grew up to be just like her.

Finally got the guts to go through Lisas lj. She talks alot about our family and I really like that,I feel really blessed that she is my sister and that she loved us all so much.

Now I just want to sit and cry some more.

The past few days have been really rough on me :(

wow!

I made this layout with a picture of Emily on it, and I did it by myself!

Tell me what you think?

I had some reservations about the whole halloween thing, I wanted to take Emily out trick or treating yet I didn't. I had this whole guilt thing going on about feeling guilting about having fun and moving on and on the other hand would've felt guilty if I didn't take her out.

I brought her by mom and dads so they could see her dressed up and take some pictures. I knew my dad would cry but he also loved the costume I decided to pick out for her.



( I know Lisa woulda loved this costume so I dedicate this one to her )

There is nothing more unbearable then someone twisting the knife after its already stuck in your gut.

I can't even find the words to express myself appropriately right now because all I can let out of my mouth is...

"are you out of your fucking mind? Come spend one hour with my family and see my grief stricken dad who barely gets through a day without crying,come see my baby stand at her aunts door looking for her and calling for her while looking up at the sky,come listen to me sob uncontrolably in the bathroom in the midle of the night, with the water on full blast so that I dont scare my kid! Come stand in her bedroom full of her things and feel its emptiness!"


Does this 'confirm' how 'real' her death is?

Ya know nothing annoys me more then when people complain about how bad their lives are....

I mean, ok we all do it, we complain about not having enough money to pay bills,the men in our lives, being tired and or overworked, etc ,stuff like that, is a given.

But people who are complaining about senseless shit like how tough they have it,living with their parents, or how hard life is when they dont even work,or how life has dealt them an unfair hand.

Lets see, I lost a baby brother, I lost my own baby to crib death,my grandmother passed away this past march,suffered a nervous breakdown requiring hospitalization, and less then a month ago my youngest sister was hit head on and killed in an accident.

How about trying to live through that?

Life is too fragile, it really is,we cant sit around and do nothing but complain.Get out of bed, get a job,get out of the house,volunteer, do someting nice for someone less fortunate,tell people you love them,take a walk and appreciate the colors and smells of autum.Don't take it for granted for another moment,don't let it slip by,stop saying you'll do something tomorrow, because today may be the last day you have.

Ok I'll just shut up now.

Someone please tell me why?

Why my sister?

My sister that was full of such promise and life.

Why did she have to go?

I feel her everyday I even smell her.

This comes as both a comfort and a curse.

I can't shake the pain or the grief or the shock, it just doesnt go away. I have good moments,the day could be going along smoothly and I have my hands full with emily and them emily will do something adorable or say something that will bring me to tears.

She keeps going to Lisas door over and over looking for her. This morning I brought her down there which was extremely hard for me. she stood looking at the emptiness and the stillness,she walked over to the bathroom and peeked inside and shrugged her little shoulders with her hands stretched outwards saying "she go?" (where'd she go?)

I sucked up real hard and I said "bye bye, Lisa went bye bye forever she cant come back to us anymore,"just as I realized what I was saying and how I was saying it I could feel the guilt and pain, what I was doing was wrong, I was letting my anger seep through and let emmy feel it too, I looked at that little face that Lisa adored and I said "but she loves you and misses you so much."

I'm really ashamed of myself. I took her over to my parents yesterday,my mom was out on an errand and my dad sits there in his chair with the dog at his feet grief stricken. He cant even mention her name without breaking down,I am torn between being over there with emily as a comfort and making things even harder,like thats possible.
Emily knows his pain, she hugs her papa and sits quietly in his lap, my mom says there is an uncanny resemblence to lisa at her age and its really what stands out. Its funny because alot of people who saw Lisa out with emily thought she was her child because they look so much alike.
So I have to wonder if Emily was meant to be our savior during this horrific time. will she be the one to pull us all through?

I could barely get myself out of bed this morning after a night of hell.

My daughter toddled into my bed at 5:30 am saying "kah toons?"

Considering I tossed and turned all night til finally giving in to sleep around 3am this was so not acceptable!

I got up and put in her little mermaid tape and locked my door so she couldnt get out and tried to go back to sleep.

"mama kah toons"
I totally ignored this request to watch tv with my baby!

it was this that woke me up and kept me up...

"eesa kah toons"

she wanted Lisa to watch cartoons.

She looks for her in everything and its soooo damn hard, how do you explain death and the finality of it all to a 20 month old?
How do you explain that she is in a "better place" when you know better would mean right here with us?
How do you explain heaven, or where it is and why you have to leave us forever to go there and you can never return?

All I could muster up is Lisa is up in the sky with the moon and the stars with jesus now.

Sometimes it really sucks to have to be a mom, right now I wanna cry myself into a hole and scream why why why and expect an answer, but I know there is no answer.

We just went through the breakfast ordeal...

"eesa haves seal (cereal)"

"no honey lisa is not having cereal today"

emily took a handful of honey nut cheerios and threw them up in the air saying "eesa seal in duh sky"

I lost it. I've been crying ever since. My baby was trying to send her aunt cereal in heaven!

I think emmy is going to my moms for a bit today.

I am not exactly sure what I am doing here. My therepist thought it might be good for me to have a journal to express my feelings over the recent death of my 22 year old sister Lisa.

At the risk of bringing people down or harping on topics that may cause sadness and shock I will let you know now that if I decide to let you in that this journal may be filled with all the above.

I ask that you be patient and understand that I am dealing with my grief the only way I know how,I feel broken, I feel lost, I feel out of control at times (thank god for my baby girl to keep me going)and I need to be allowed to feel these things,as well as rant,complain,cry be angry and hope that this will remain my safe place to do it.I will also no doubtedly have laughter and fun times to share as well.

Also in this journal my sisters GF will be welcomed as well as possibly mentioned as "T" to respect her privacy if she wishes. My sister loved her although they had not met in person,she had plans to visit in march and had the plane ticket to do so. Her feelings were deep and sincere for this woman and I was so happy to see my sister so in love and full of life.

For those of you who didnt know my sister, thats the way she was... full of life, and hope and love. She could be a pain in the butt and just as bitchy as the rest of us,but she never faulted anyone unless you lied to her.

This is all about our family, me, her,and whatever else I plan on writing here.

Her life began on january 20 1984 and was cut short on friday october 6,2006.

I love and miss her terribly.